by Mike
One thing I’ve noticed about my wife being pregnant is I’m rarely short for conversation - it might be with women who, regardless of affiliation, are excited about the topic of babies; experienced dads ready to knowingly convey “just wait, things are gonna change...”; or single guys staggered by the idea of a Saturday afternoon centered around rocking chair shopping*.
*to my wife’s credit, she did let me watch the end of the Arkansas/Alabama game before we went shopping. But when I was single the idea of making my bed was staggering so whether I drop this fact in or not when telling a bachelor my war stories of the weekend becomes irrelevant.
These conversations tell me that much like when I got married, a new part of the world is opening up for me to relate to. You realize that stereotypical jokes exist because we’re all driving each other crazy in more or less the same ways - which, insane as it sounds, is comforting. It’s why there are 210 episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. It’s why I enjoy watching Phil Dunphy (of Modern Family, if you don’t know him get with the program) make a clown of himself every Wednesday night because it tells me that (1) I’m not alone in my buffoonery and (2) if my wife ever thought there were greener pastures out there, she’s probably out of luck because most of us guys are at best a well-intentioned version of the Three Stooges.
A friend forwarded the set of “guidelines” below - I thought they were entertaining (and useful, I write #5 on my hand every morning) - written by someone who clearly has experience and knows the rest of us are having the same experience - we’re all on the same cruise ship in this world and it’s only a matter of time when those tourists with the bad matching shirts come our way.
Have a great week, thanks for reading.
Dear Non-Pregnant Person,
I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking, surely she doesn’t mean me- then you should probably read this twice
1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is ‘Congratulations!’ with enthusiasm.
2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father- not grandparents. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrase ‘my baby’.
3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it…
4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone’s stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.
5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight…ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is ‘You look fabulous!’.
6) By the time we are 20-30 years old, most of us have picked up on the fact that the summer is hot. We are hot every summer when we are not pregnant. We don’t need you to point out that we will be miserably hot before the baby comes.
7) There is a reason that tickets to Labor & Delivery are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of a host of family members and friends seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. You weren’t invited to be there when the baby was created, you probably won’t be invited to be there when it comes out either.
8) Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents’ home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to ‘help out’. If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.
9) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals, and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.
10) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.
